Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Martini Madness: Putting the Fun Back in Fund Raising




Well, once again the medical center finds itself in a financial ditch. The County of Alameda plans to continue balancing its budget on the diminishing Measure “A” monies. In spite of a tanking economy the sick stayed home or homeless for two consecutive months creating a revenue crisis, some very ugly pie charts and a lot of acid reflux for our ace executive team.

So how do we save the medical center? The Board of Trustees thinks they’ve been doing just a supper job, thank you very much. Many of the trustees have been sitting on the Board for so many years that speculation is that they’re trying to qualify for the county retirement plan. The aging board feels so confident about the medical center’s bright future that they reduced the meeting schedule to every other month and may soon move to conference calls. These tireless public servants have lots of white table clothes parties with the executive team to celebrate themselves. It’s kind of a noblesse oblige culture, the peasants, the patients and the non-native English speakers are discouraged from participating.

So, we need a high end kind of helpful, something that would appeal to “haves” to help out the “have nots.” Something classy like a golf tournament, a ball, or a wine tasting, something that gets Senator’s, developers, heiresses to open their check books and their hearts to our little healthcare system. So here it is folks, listen carefully, “Martini Madness” the search for the Highland Hospital signature mixed drink. Come and get soused with us, it’s OK we’re medical professionals. We even have some early entries into the contest, and remember, you’ve put worse things in your mouth.

The Highland Highball (non-alcoholic): 3 parts Redbull, 1 part Ritalin served in a camel bag

The Highland Handshake (1): 3 parts Yoo-hoo, 2 parts Vicodin, served chilled in a large latex glove with a Milk of Magnesium chaser

Ghetto Juice: 1 part Sunny D, 3 parts Two Buck Chuck, 1 part whatever, served over ice in a urine sample cup

The Designate Driver (it will be all the way out of your system long before you hit the road) 2 parts Golightly (2) and 3 parts Grey Goose

Remember it’s more than a party it’s PR. See you there.

1. Highland Handshake: a rectal exam. We just want to get to know you. 2. Golightly: for all you non-medical types this stuff’s basically Drano for humans.

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